The Thing About Being A Woman

The thing about being a woman is you believe everything you’re told (until you grow older and wiser and more experienced, then you recognise the myriad of fallacies that are thrust upon you)

And suddenly, you are worthy, you are unworthy, you are sexy but not smart sexy horny. Your heart is in the wrong place, your cunt is in the wrong place. I find myself falling victim to these tellings, when he looks me in the eyes and tells me he finds me beautiful, when she looks me in the eye and tells me I am her equal. And then they mumur other things that contradict the core.

So, I am my own private sufferer and jester. I should take their words with a grain of salt, I am not wise, I am not capable, I am prone to authoritive figures shaping the way I view myself. I was not taught this as a child. I should have been taught this as a child. But it is in my nature and it is in my character, I am at best a performer and a yearner for approval. “You are doing the right thing, you are doing the right thing, baby. Just one more time, baby. A little harder, baby. Right there, baby” I am coming out of my skin.

Am I scrubbing this well enough? Am I sucking this well enough? Am I engaging in this conversation well enough? Just a little more, baby.

Cut to: a man I weakly admire thinks about me when he masturbates next to his girlfriend, she is asleep. Then he kisses the neighbour, the coworker, the perky tit round ass fat fuck slut whore chubby prude cunt. There is no line, I should become aware and comfortable with this fact. And in honesty, a friend said something to me lately:

I said to her: “He says I have seductive eyes, he thinks I’ve got a spark.”

She says: “I think you’re beautiful. But men only see what they want to see, remember that.”

I imagine after he’s seen me naked his interest will no longer be piqued. And so I will stay clothed and focused on getting wiser and more aware of the secret punishments inflicted. I will try to never make the same mistake those before me have made. I am young and unwise and I will remember this fact when I am being stared down and undressed in public, in private, in the comfort of my own home. I have not been ruined yet, but I will prevent any chance of it happening to the best of my feeble ability.