I Don’t Feel Human (Most of The Time)

A textual collage by Georgia Bowan

To Do List:

• Go to chemist
• Gym @ 11:30
• Take vitamins
• Buy more juice
• Get smokes
• Call mother (finally)
• Work @ 5:00
• Wish my brother a happy 12th birthday and tell him i miss him

I used to play this game when I was around nine or ten. When I was bored and had nothing to do. I would curl my little fingertips under my little rib cage and trace the outline of my bones. Then softly, I’d lift them up until I could hear them crack against either. Sounds strange, doesn’t it? It was a bad habit I gained from having too much time on my hands. Eventually, my mother made me stop because she said it would stunt my growth. To this day, I don’t know if that was true or not, but I know that I can’t feel my ribs anymore. They’re overlayed with thick flesh. I outgrew my habits and found other things to do. Now, I can no longer feel my own skeleton. Every once in a while, the urge will come back and occasionally gnaw at me. The urge to crack. It gnaws, gnaws, gnaws. The urge to feel inanimate. Because when I was around nine or ten, I realised that that’s all I am. Flesh, meat and a bag of bones.

Dream 34:

I’m at the beach w my family, its warm

He is there in turquoise swimmers

I can’t stop looking at him

He looks handsome, he looks older

Wanna tell him I’ve missed him but

There are scary monsters under the water

And they have the faces of dogs

They tear me apart limb from limb

I wake up with a me-shaped sweat stain on my bed sheets.

The feeling ripens inside Its gut. Marinating, setting in. The feeling is back again, once more. Last night, It dreamt of rolling It’s ankle. You could hear the bone crack and everything. Is this a normal way to feel? It looks up symptoms, tapping cautiously at keyboard keys and hearing them click click click away at the question. I’m sorry I was cruel and callous to you the other night, I forgot how to be soft and sweet.

Mon, 5 Sep, 12:35 Pm

Hi love, How r u feeling? R u ok? Haven’t been able to reach u! Getting worried. Don’t get too drunk. R u alive? Is all ok? Call me. Love u loads bub. Hang in there. Things will get better. Love u so much gorgeous girl. Everything will feel better soon, I promise. Hope ur having fun right now. Going to sleep, it’s getting late. Just hoping you’re back home. Call me in the morning. I miss you xx

The skin under Its eyes itches but that can’t be the reason for the feeling. A symptom of alienation and isolation, perhaps? No, a rash eating away at Its flesh. Still, It does not fit in. In the daytime It hibernates, in the night time It is drunk like a dog. Dry mouth, fatigue, chronic illnesses that layer on top of eachother. I’m sorry I ignored your call again. I just don’t have it in me today. Take vitamins, check emails and go to bed. A nine month payment plan, a survey of impulses that bedevil life.

Entry: 11/3/22

i like this feeling and what it does to me. it makes me so foolish and un-logical (is that a word?) it makes me so free to act on my emotions. obviously, i hate myself in the morning when i wake up but i don’t care i made a list of possible futures for myself. they were grim. i could purposely put myself in a coma (but I don’t want to make my parents wait on me) there’s always the choice of a lobotomy (but i don’t think they do those anymore). Anyway, i feel good now. i wish, i wish i wasn’t sprawling my words though. but! i am! focus on the page, now. would be nice if i could. when i’m like this, i want it to last forever but! don’t tell anyone please. they’ll take it away. i think i’ll be okay. somehow. don’t know what to do. i wish things were how they were a month ago but it’s not like that anymore tried to replicate it but i couldn’t. how unfortunate is that? very. absolutely. i guess it could be worse. i will keep the feeling up. i’ll feel the feeling out of me. but i shouldn’t. i’m terrible.

What is the problem? Take a quiz and find out now! Cannot open page. Clear search history. If only the evidence was feral pornograpghic filth being erased at the touch of a finhger, instead its 13 low calorie filling foods, Lyrical Ballads by Wordsworth and a personalised plan on “how to get back to the way you felt at 16”. It buries everything in code because it can.

Search History: Tuesday, 4 October

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It drank too much again and doesn’t feel so good. Now, sitting on the bathroom floor, all It can think is: I want to stab myself in the leg or suffocate myself in a puddle. Everything is fine, it’s no big deal. It is simply bereft. Lamenting. An anhedoniac surrounded by desolation and disorder. A wound coming undone. That sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? Doesn’t that sound nice? Yes, that’s all it is. Just a bit of wound dehiscence.

Side Effects Include:

Nausea, vomiting, constipation, stomach/abdominal pain, loss of appetite, dry mouth, headache, nervousness, dizziness, trouble sleeping, sweating, weight loss, irritability, and restlessness may occur. If any of these effects last or get worse, tell your doctor or pharmacist promptly.